By Dr. Sheila Modir, pediatric psychologist at CHOC
Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential.
As parents, our initial instinct is to prioritize the needs of our children over our own, often at the expense of our own mental health and well-being. But it is important for us to remember what flight attendants remind us on airplanes, that we must secure our own oxygen masks before assisting our child with theirs. Taking care of ourselves enables us to be better equipped to care for our children.
Five coping strategies for parents and caregivers
In the following video, you will find practical self-care techniques for parents and caregivers. Choose just one of these strategies to practice! By caring for yourself, you will then be able to care for your family.
1. Fill your cup
This video provides some tips to help begin filling your own cup. First, finding time for activities that replenish you are important for your well-being, whether it simply enjoying a quiet cup of tea, asking for help from others, or setting boundaries around your time and saying no to one more thing that could overwhelm you. Find the things that will recharge your battery.
2. Practice deep breathing
In moments of stress, taking a deep breath in and out can work wonders. It’s a skill that takes less than a minute, and can be done without anyone noticing, other than yourself! When we focus on our breathing, we can help our bodies calm down and regain a sense of control. Inhale slowly and deeply through the nose four to six seconds, and exhale slowly through the mouth four to six seconds.
3. Communicate and solve conflicts
Communicating effectively with our child is important because it models healthy communication techniques for our children.
When we feel blamed, it is natural for us to feel defensive. A good “I” statement helps us take responsibility for our own feelings. A formula to follow is “I feel X when Y happened.” For example, “I feel worried when you come home late.”
One of the most important types of communication is providing validation. When we validate someone’s feelings, we are acknowledging their emotions. We can do that by using words that we have heard our child express when they are telling us about their day.
For example, if your child says, “My day was hard,” you can say “You had a really hard day. Why don’t you tell me what happened?” If your child isn’t telling you how they feel, then you can read their body language and provide an educated guess – “It seems like you’re feeling frustrated about what happened at soccer practice today.” Finally, let them know that you understand: “It makes sense that you feel that way based on what happened during the last soccer game.”
It is also important to be clear about our expectations with our children. Sometimes when we are not clear it can lead to confusion and conflict. When children know what is expected of them, they are more likely to adhere to the rules. For example, if there are rules to follow in your house, write it down and place it somewhere where your child can see it and understands it. Praise your child whenever you see them following a rule.
Finally, when communication gets heated, take a time-out. You may say, “What do you think if we take a 5-minute break and then come back so we can talk about it?” By fostering an environment of mutual respect and understanding, we can cultivate stronger connections and healthier relationships.
4. Manage your stress
Finding healthy outlets for stress can help us manage daily challenges more effectively. The stress busters listed in the video – quality sleep, balanced nutrition, physical activity, mindfulness practices, experiencing nature, mental healthcare, supportive relationships – have been shown to improve our health on all levels. Is there one that speaks to you the most? Ask yourself:
- How is your sleep?
- Are you eating a balanced diet?
- Are you taking breaks to go on a walk or exercise?
- Are you taking time to be mindful?
- Have you spent time outside today?
- Do you feel like you need mental health support?
- Are you making time to be social?
Now, take a moment and pick one that you can work on. Perhaps it is getting better sleep. Are you able to get to bed earlier? Even an extra 15 minutes of sleep can help make a difference!
5. Cultivate a positive mindset
Our thoughts have a powerful impact on how we feel and how we act. These short, uplifting phrases can make you feel better. Every morning, add a positive mantra to your ritual.
Ask yourself: what is one nice thing I can say to myself? Reminding ourselves of our strengths and capabilities can empower us to tackle challenges with confidence and grace.
Other mantras include:
- I am going to get through this.
- It’s okay to make mistakes.
- I am strong and determined.
- I am calm and relaxed.
- I choose my own attitude.
- I am important.
- Today I will spread positivity.
- I can take it one step at a time.
In the journey of parenthood and caregiving, it can be easy to forget ourselves during the demands of our daily life. But remember that when we take care of ourselves, we are also taking care of our children because we are setting a positive example for our children. So take a moment, and fill your own cup today.
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Get mental health resources from CHOC pediatric experts
The mental health team at CHOC curated the following resources on mental health topics common to kids and teens, such as depression, anxiety, suicide prevention and more.
