Insights from Miranda Wichelns, a licensed clinical social worker formerly with the Hyundai Cancer Institute at Rady Children’s Hospital Orange County.
Key takeaways
- Use honest, clear language when talking about death: Children cope better when adults explain what happened using direct terms like “died,” helping them feel grounded instead of confused by euphemisms.
- Invite kids to participate in grieving: Give children choices about attending funerals or contributing in meaningful ways, and model healthy coping by expressing your own emotions openly.
- Seek extra support when grief disrupts daily life: Reach out for professional help if a child withdraws, struggles to eat or attend school, or shows risky behaviors like substance use or self‑harm.
Understanding child and teen grief support
Grief is one of the hardest experiences any family can face, and when a loved one dies, parents and caregivers often struggle with how best to support children and teens. While adults are coping with their own feelings of loss, they also carry the responsibility of helping younger family members understand and process what has happened.
Here, Miranda Wichelns, licensed clinical social worker at the Hyundai Cancer Institute at Rady Children’s, offers guidance on how to approach these difficult conversations and support youth through their grief journey.
Importance of honesty
One of the most important things adults can do, according to Wichelns, is to speak honestly with children. Euphemisms and vague explanations may feel easier in the moment but can leave children confused or even more distressed.
“Children and teens are so smart and they think and feel so much that what they are worried about or afraid of is often worse than the actual truth,” she explains. “Using real language, saying the person died, their body stopped working, gives children grounding.”
Instead of saying someone was “lost” or “passed away,” which can lead to misunderstandings, Wichelns recommends clear, age-appropriate explanations of what happened.
Talking about difficult deaths
The conversation becomes even more challenging when the loss involves suicide or another traumatic event. In these cases, Wichelns emphasized the importance of not avoiding the truth. “Talking about suicide is not going to cause it,” she assures. “Hearing what happened from a trusted adult is less scary than the what-ifs, the chatter among peers, or the rumors on social media.”
Being open, even when the news is painful, helps build trust and gives children space to process their feelings with the support of adults they can rely on.
Involving children in the grieving process
When it comes to funerals, memorials, and other rituals, Wichelns encourages parents to provide information and give children choices. Explaining what will happen at each step helps them prepare. “Not every child will want to go, and that’s okay,” she notes. “But, offering them the chance to decide and participate in ways that feel right, drawing a picture or helping choose photos, can be very healing.”
Equally important is showing authenticity as an adult. Parents sometimes try to hide their emotions to appear “strong” for their children, but Wichelns believes modeling grief in a healthy way is more supportive. “It is absolutely okay to show emotion,” she encourages. “You can still be okay even if you’re crying or feeling sad. Narrating what you’re experiencing helps children see that it’s normal to feel and to cope.”
When to seek additional support
Grief is a normal response to loss, and most children will benefit simply from having caring, present adults in their lives. Still, there are times when professional support may be helpful. Warning signs include prolonged difficulty with daily functioning—such as not eating, not going to school, or withdrawing from friends—as well as harmful behaviors like substance use or self-harm.
“Support doesn’t always have to mean a therapist or counselor, though those are wonderful tools,” Wichelns shares. “It can be time with a parent, a trusted friend group, or maintaining a daily routine.” Consistency, such as continuing to go to school or participate in activities, can provide structure and comfort even when emotions are raw.
Building resilience
While grief is painful, Wichelns emphasized that children and teens are remarkably resilient. With honesty, connection, and consistent support, they can learn to cope not only with the immediate loss but also with future challenges. “Even when awful things happen, we do find ways to get through,” she emphasizes. “With enough support, young people can experience growth and even be able to support others in the future.”
By embracing honesty, involving children in meaningful ways, and modeling healthy coping, parents and caregivers can help children move through grief and emerge stronger.
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