Conversation starters: What to say and not to say about childhood mental illness
Just like adults, kids and teens can have mental health conditions. And just like adults, their conditions are often brushed aside or shrouded in stigma. CHOC is here to help you start the conversation about childhood mental illness. By talking about it, you can increase awareness of the services that are needed and help children heal.
CHOC offers valuable resources on mental health treatment and services and how to access therapy and mental health support that can be shared with your friends and family.
Here, CHOC experts help parents know what to say and not to say when discussing childhood mental illness.
How to respond to others’ concerns about childhood mental health
When someone shares a concern about a child’s mental health, take care in how you respond. This is an opportunity to support someone during a situation when many people feel alone.
Here are some common scenarios and tips for how you can respond, as well as online webinars and resources to share with the person you are talking to:
“My daughter is really struggling with anxiety. I think she might have a mental health problem.”
What not to say:“It’s probably just a phase. She will grow out of it.”
Sometimes mental health problems resolve without the child needing therapy, however research shows that for many children it is not a “phase”. For most children suffering from a mental health condition, the symptoms last for years before a child receives help. Consider validating the family’s experience and supporting them in taking action.
What to say: “That must be really hard for her. Can I help you with anything?”
Additional resources:
- How to spot signs of anxiety in school-aged children
- Identifying anxiety in youth and next steps for supporting your child
- When anxiety attacks: Supporting your anxious child
- Guide to anxiety
“My son is so stressed about school. I’m worried about his mental state.”
What not to say: “My kids are stressed, too. They have so much homework every night.”
This comment might be intended to show that you understand what the family is going through, however it may also sound dismissive of the parent’s serious concerns. Consider asking more and talking through the parent’s concerns.
What to say: “I’m so sorry to hear that. What are some things you’ve thought about doing?”
Additional resources:
- 7 stress relief techniques for kids
- Mental health treatment and services
- Strategies to understand and promote emotional health in children
- Practicing gratitude can benefit kids’ mental health
“My friend’s daughter is in the hospital for a mental health condition.”
What not to say: “Yikes. She must be crazy.”
Having a child hospitalized for a mental health condition can be one of the scariest and loneliest experiences a family may go through, in part because of the stigma that hospitalization carries. Calling someone “crazy” or acting scared of them only makes that stigma worse, even if you are not saying it directly to the family. Consider how hard this might be for all of the people who care about this child.
What to say: “I bet her family could really use some support right now. How are you feeling about this?”
Additional resources:
Mental Health Education Program (MHEP) webinars
“I think I might have to put my son on medication for his mental health.”
What not to say: “We all need pills to get through the day!”
For some families, the decision of whether or not to start a child on psychiatric medication includes lots of discussion and possibly some concerns. Consider why the person is sharing this information with you, and what kind of support they might be seeking from you.
What to say: “I’m glad there is a treatment available for him. I’m here for you.”
Additional resources:
- Mental health treatment and services
- Preventing overdose with over-the-counter medications
- 7 easy ways to help your child take medications
“Did you hear? Her son is having behavior problems and has started acting violently.”
What not to say: “I hope he stays away from my son.”
It can feel very lonely to have a child who is having behavior problems, and often friends start to pull away. If there are true safety concerns that you need to protect your child from, consider ways you can be there for the parents.
What to say: “I bet she’s really worried. We should reach out to her and see if there is anything we can do.”
Additional resources:
“A girl in my daughter’s class is always acting strangely.”
What not to say: “She’s just trying to get attention.”
It is a harmful myth that children struggling with mental health symptoms “just” want attention. In fact, children with mental health conditions often try hard not to call attentions to themselves due to fears of being bullied or shamed. If a child is visibly distressed or acting in a concerning way, consider what support that child might need.
What to say: “Maybe there’s a bigger reason for her behavior. Do you think there’s something the other kids could do to support her?”
Additional resources:
- Mental health treatment and services
- Strategies to understand and promote emotional health in children
“My son is so sad and withdrawn lately.”
What not to say: “He should eat better or play outside more.”
While healthy diet and physical activity can have a positive impact on mental health, focusing on these “easy fixes” can sound dismissive or even condescending if the family has already tried these common approaches. Try listening openly or sharing some of the evidence-based coping skills below.
What to say: “I hope he feels better soon. What can I do to help?”
Additional resources:
- Practicing gratitude can benefit kids’ mental health
- Being there for someone with depression
- How to access therapy and mental health support for kids and teens
- How to add art therapy practices to your child’s routine
Reviewed by Dr. Ava Casados
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Get mental health resources from CHOC pediatric experts
The mental health team at CHOC curated the following resources on mental health topics common to kids and teens, such as depression, anxiety, suicide prevention and more.
