Suicide prevention conversation starters for parents and teens

By Nazli Boroshan, mental health therapist, mental health emergency services at CHOC

As a parent or caregiver, it can be scary to learn that your child is experiencing thoughts about suicide or self-harm. However, there is a popular misconception that talking about suicide with children will “plant the idea in their heads.” In reality, talking to your child about suicide can help them feel safer and more comfortable coming to you or another trusted adult should those thoughts arise.

If your child, or anyone else, is in immediate danger of self-harm, call 911.

Effective communication can help suicidal or self-harming children feel safe

It is reasonable for a parent to be fearful of the negative thoughts their child experiences. But the way a parent responds to these negative thoughts is extremely important. When learning about a child’s suicidal or negative thoughts, some parents tend to lead with anger and panic, both of which can be fear-based emotions.

It is helpful to first determine which kind of communication style to use, and help your child figure out how they communicate and want to be communicated with. Kind, compassionate and calm communication can strengthen the bond between a parent and child, helping the child feel safer and more supported, and in turn, more willing to go to their parent for help.

Not only does kind and compassionate communication portray positive role modeling to a child, but it also helps regulate the child’s distress during a scary time and lets the child know their parent loves them without hesitation or judgment.

The four communication styles

There are four types of communication styles: assertive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and passive:

• Assertive communication style is appropriately honest, direct, self-enhancing, expressive, self-confident, and empathetic to all emotions involved. This is the ideal style of communication as it is nonthreatening and mindful.
• Aggressive communication style is described as inappropriately honest, direct, expressive, attacking, blaming, controlling, and self-enhancing at the expense of others. Aggressive communication can lead to verbal and sometimes physical altercations and is an unhealthy style of communication.
• Passive-aggressive communicators tend to be emotionally dishonest, indirect, self-denying at first, and self-enhancing at the expense of others later. Passive-aggressive communicators tend to have difficulty expressing their true needs and having their needs met. This can increase frustration between both parties as it can be the cause of tension and animosity.
• Passive communicators are considered emotionally dishonest, indirect, inhibited, self-denying, blaming and apologetic. While passive and aggressive communicators have some things in common, ultimately those who are passive tend to take on the blame. Everyone communicates differently and being aware of this can help all parties involved.

If you can use assertive communication to guide the conversation, you will be better positioned to help your child understand the seriousness of the conversation while also expressing your love and support for them. You will also have a better understanding of how to respond to your child should they share their negative thoughts with you.

Before talking to your child about suicide, make sure you have created a safe and comfortable space. It is important to prepare some answers so that when your child asks you follow-up questions you know how to explain each concept in a simple and clear manner.

Suicide prevention conversation starters for parents and children

Conversation starters that may help you and your child practice assertive communication around thoughts of suicide or self-harm:

• Ask your child if they know what suicide is.
  • If so, ask them to explain it to you in their own words.
  • If not, explain it to them in an age-appropriate manner (make sure to prepare something in advance).
• Ask them what their personal thoughts are regarding suicide.
  • Do they think it’s wrong? How do they think society views someone who takes their own life? What do they think happens after someone dies?
  • If your child believes in a particular religion, ask them how their religion views suicide.
• They might ask you about your thoughts regarding suicide. If so, tell them. Children really value adults who can be honest and open and not hide things.
• Talk about the importance of mental health with your child.
• Explain to your child that everyone experiences good and bad thoughts, as well as good and bad days and that it is important to learn how to respond to these good or bad experiences and ask for help.
• Assure your child that you understand their different emotions (sadness, hopelessness, anger, stress, anxiety, etc.)
• Ask them how they think they might react if they are ever feeling sad, hopeless, angry, stressed or anxious.

How to react to your child is they express thoughts of suicide or self-harm

• Try not to get angry. It is natural to experience lots of strong emotions as a caregiver when your child tells you about these things, and sometimes children will not share their negative thoughts out of fear of making their parent angry, upset or even sad.
• Try not to lecture or scold. Instead, ask your child follow-up questions, and ask them what they would like from you at that moment. Maybe they just want a hug and to hear everything is going to be OK. Or, maybe they want to be taken to a professional for further evaluation. Help your child communicate their needs without pressuring them.
• Keep an eye out for suicide warning signs/triggers.
• Come up with some good coping skills you and/or your child can do to deal with or manage these thoughts.
• Prepare a plan of action and have some emergency contacts handy (911, local police and fire department, and a list of local emergency rooms).
• Safety proof your home. Keeping the home environment safe and restricting access to means of self-harm (e.g., securing/locking up medications, sharp objects, alcohol, firearms/weapons, chemicals) is important, especially with children who tend to exhibit impulsivity.
• Ask if your child plans to act on these thoughts of wanting to die and ask if they know how they are planning to die. If your child states that they do have a plan to die, consider taking them to the nearest emergency room or contacting 911 or a crisis hotline to receive immediate support.
• If you are not sure what to do or even how to have this conversation, contact a professional and ask for guidance

Remember, children are humans, and they can have good and bad days, just as adults do. Be kind, loving and gentle. Always assure your child that you love them and that it is your job to keep them safe and protected. Let them know they can come to you with anything so that you can help keep them safe. 

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