What to say to your teen if they don’t get the college acceptance they are hoping for
By Jacqueline Estrada, personal service coordinator at CHOC’s Project HEALTH
Senior year is an exciting time in students’ lives as they prepare to graduate and move into young adulthood. However, for those who plan to attend college, it can also be a stressful time as they await responses from the schools they applied to.
Although students hope for acceptance letters, being rejected is also a scary possibility for students and their families. In this article, we will discuss ways to help your child manage disappointment if they receive rejection letters and how to support them on their path to college.
Depression and anxiety symptoms that may be caused by college rejections
In addition to dealing with rejection from a college that was their first choice, your child may also have to see their peers or friends celebrating being accepted into their colleges of choice. Students may be discussing their excitement about moving away from home to go to college or looking forward to going to campus for an orientation.
This can increase your child’s feelings of disappointment, especially if they begin to feel jealous of and start to compare themselves to their peers.
After receiving a college rejection, your teen may begin to show changes in their behaviors and mood.
A teen may show depressive symptoms such as:
- Difficulties with sleep.
- Loss of interest in activities.
- A sad or depressed mood.
- Difficulties concentrating.
- Changes in appetite.
- Fatigue.
- Expressing feelings of low self-worth.
Additionally, your teen may experience increased anxiety, such as:
- Uncontrollable worry.
- Increased nervousness.
- Difficulties with concentrating.
- Headaches.
- Insomnia.
- Shortness of breath.
- Nausea.
Your teen might also feel discouraged about the college application process and could start to be avoidant. If these symptoms are difficult to manage, continue for more than few weeks, and start to negatively impact your teen’s daily functioning, it can be helpful to get support from a mental health professional.
Mental Health Education Program (MHEP) webinars
How to talk to your child about college rejections
Even though it is easier to avoid talking about something painful, like a college rejection, it is important to support your child through this hard time so that they can manage their feelings in a healthy way. This may be the first time that your child is dealing with being rejected.
Some ways to talk about rejection with your child are:
- Provide a safe space to talk. Let your child know that you are available to talk to them about college acceptances and rejections to communicate that you are there to support them, especially through hard times.
- Practice active listening. Take time to hear your child talk about their feelings regarding their college rejection experience. Show your child that you are paying attention and trying to understand what they are going through.
- Show compassion. Acknowledge your child’s feelings so that they feel heard and supported.
- Utilize coping skills. Encourage your child to practice healthy ways to manage their feelings of disappointment and stress. Some examples include journaling, practicing gratitude and engaging in physical activity. Learn practical stress relief techniques with CHOC’s mental health video library.
What’s next? How to help your child meet their goal of going to college
Once you have helped your child talk about and cope with college rejection, it is important to continue to support them as they think about the next steps they will need to take to meet their goal of going to college.
Focusing on the good: Applying solution-focused techniques
It is important for your child to apply to several colleges, even if they have their heart set on going to a particular school, so that they can have a backup plan should their top choice not work out.
When a person applies to more than one college, it increases the likelihood that they will be admitted into a college, even if that school is not the person’s first choice. Remind your child of the options they have to help them focus on the solutions that are still within their reach.
If your child continues to hope to attend their desired college, consider exploring other ways they can work toward this goal.
- Appeals process. Some colleges and universities have an option for students to provide new information to try to reverse the decision. It would be important to contact the specific college to get more detailed information on this process and the likelihood of a successful appeals process.
- Waitlist. Your child may have been waitlisted to their desired college. The student may consider this a rejection since it was not outright acceptance. If your child received a letter from the college of their choice stating that they were placed on the waitlist, help your child to stay in touch with the admissions office to check the status of their application and to continually assess the chances that your child will be moved from the waitlist.
- Community college route. Your child can enroll in a local community college to start their college journey. Not only is this a more cost-effective option to obtain a college education, but going to a community college can help your child have another chance to re-apply to their dream school as a transfer student. Even though there is still a chance of rejection, it gives your child time to revisit their application and try again.
Parenting strategies: Using praise skills
The combination of senior year events, working toward high school graduation and applying to college can be a lot for your child to manage. As a caregiver, it can be helpful to praise your child to support them through this stressful, bittersweet time.
You can let your child know how proud you are of them — regardless of college decisions — to communicate your unconditional love toward them. This can relieve some of the pressure that your child may feel about not wanting to let their parents down.
What to do if your child is struggling with managing college rejections
If you notice that despite your efforts to help your child through the process of receiving a college rejection, your child is still struggling it can be helpful to get additional support.
- Connect with support staff at your child’s school. Your child’s high school may have access to a college and/or career counselor who helps students with the college application process. College and career counselors most likely have experience with helping students manage college rejections, since they support students each school year. So, you can ask them for feedback on how to help your child and they may be available to schedule an appointment with your child to coach them on possible next steps.
- Get mental health support. If you notice a big change in your child’s mood and observe that it is hard for them to move forward from the rejection, it may be helpful to get professional support from a mental health therapist. A therapist can help your child process the situation and their feelings, as well as assess if your child has any other mental health needs.
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Get mental health resources from CHOC pediatric experts
The mental health team at CHOC curated the following resources on mental health topics common to kids and teens, such as depression, anxiety, suicide prevention and more.
