How to have hard conversations with your children

By Dr. Sarah Ruiz, pediatric psychologist at CHOC

Life is full of ups and downs. Whether it is due to political or current events, divorce or a death in the family, there may come a time when you’ll have to have a hard conversation with your child. These conversations can be scary even for adults but talking directly with your child is key.

As much as adults may try to shield children from bad news or scary events, children often pick up on stress and know something is happening. They might also notice changes in parents’ or caregivers’ behaviors, such as adults acting differently or being more silent around them. Children can jump to conclusions, feel that they are somehow at fault for these changes, and experience more stress. Additionally, children may already be hearing partial information or misinformation from peers, other family members, or social media, which may lead to more stress, worries and fears.

Having difficult conversations helps prevent possible misunderstanding, hard feelings, and stress and lets you answer questions for your child.

Tips for preparing for hard conversations with children

Before starting to have a hard conversation with your child, there are a few easy ways to prepare:

Seek out your own support.

Talk with friends, family, counselors, your religious community or your child’s teacher. Remember that during tough times you need to have your own support to be able to support your children.

Check in with yourself.

How are you feeling about this? It’s okay to have your own reaction to what happened or to not know exactly how you feel. Take a moment to check in and see if you’re feeling ready to have this talk. It’s okay to have big feelings and share them with your child, but the more upset you seem, the more upset your child might be.

Take a breath.

It’s okay to take a deep breath if you need it or to practice some calming exercises before having a tough conversation. Practicing these skills also makes it easier to teach your child if they are feeling upset or stressed.

Find the right time.

Have the conversation at a calm, quiet time when your child can give you their attention. Avoid starting conversations during stressful or busy moments, like getting ready for school or while homework is being completed. Consider turning off or putting away screens that may be distracting during the talk. You can try something like, “I want to talk to you about what happened at school, could you put the iPad away and come sit with me?”

Treat this like you would any other hard conversation.

Talk about the issue a little at a time, and let your child know you can talk about it more later. Don’t feel pressured to discuss everything at once or to have all the facts. You can say something like “It’s okay you don’t have any questions right now. Can I check in with you later to see if you have any questions then?”

Be honest.

Remember it’s better to say “I don’t know” than to make something up. If your child asks you something you’re not sure about, you can say something like “That’s a really good question. I’m really curious about that too. I’m not sure, but I will try to find out and you know when I have the answer.”

Tips for what to do when talking with your children about hard things

Ask open ended questions to understand what they’ve already heard.

Be curious with them to understand what they think. They might have heard more than you realize and it can be a good jumping-off point to begin the conversation. For example, “Let’s talk about what happened last week. What have you heard about it?” or “What are people saying about it at school?”.

Use age-appropriate language and level of detail with your child.

Remember it’s never too early to start having difficult conversations and even young children have questions about difficult topics (such as racism, violence, or death). Use age-appropriate tools and books to explain difficult topics and know that younger children may need you to explain it a few times before they understand.

Check in with your child to learn what they are calling these events or how they are talking about tough things.

You can use their words to talk about the events, or you may need to teach them new words and ideas such as death, racism, or terrorism. It is likely your child is already hearing these words from others or the news and understanding in an age-appropriate way may help them be less upset or worried. For example, explaining death to a young child as “their body isn’t breathing or moving,” or “they are not coming back” may help them understand better than using phrases like “passed” or “gone” which may be confusing.

Notice and support your child sharing their feelings. 

For example, try saying “I can see tears in your eyes. You can let them out. You must be feeling really sad.” You may also use a phrase like “I can understand why you are feeling angry” during your conversation.

For teens, be mindful of other news sources they have access to, such as social media.

Teens may use internet memes and social media to learn about the news or current events. This may be a good time to teach teens how to understand the news and how to find trusted news sources. This allows you to address misinformation your child may have heard. 

Most importantly, when having these conversations let your children know that you are confident that you can handle this together as a family.

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Signs that your child may need extra help

When stressful things happen, it’s normal to notice some changes in your child. Your child might have a few “off” days when they don’t seem quite like themselves. Generally, it’s OK to not be OK after a stressful experience.

If you have any concerns about your child, trust your instinct and seek out support. Things that may indicate that your child could benefit from more support include:

• Emotional or behavioral changes that are happening most days of the week or for weeks or months. For example, maybe your child is feeling upset or not acting like themselves, or you are noticing changes like they are not eating or sleeping well.
• Changes across different settings, for example, you’re noticing changes that are happening both at home and at school, or in other settings. Perhaps teachers or coaches have also noticed changes in your child’s behavior or emotions.
• Changes in your child’s daily life, for example maybe your child is unable to do things they used to do easily or doesn’t want to do the things they used to enjoy.  This might mean your child is suddenly not wanting to go to school or spend time with family.
• Thoughts about wanting to be dead or hurting themselves. These are very concerning behaviors and need immediate action.

If you would like more help, you can reach out to your child’s pediatrician or school. Your child’s doctor can give you resources and suggestions or refer you to therapy. Schools also have resources to support children and their families during hard times, including through school-based counseling.

In the case of an emergency, your nearest emergency department or 911 can provide support.

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